This post is is in response to both Noor's post and Kym's post on what they're afraid to blog about.
I've been pushing myself to be more personal and more real, because sometimes I wonder how other people who watch my vlogs and beauty videos and read my blog see me. Yeah, things are filtered a lot on these type of things, but I still want my personality and my voice to shine through. I've been feeling vulnerable lately anyways, so I thought I'd discuss this topic too. So, in no particular order....
I've been pushing myself to be more personal and more real, because sometimes I wonder how other people who watch my vlogs and beauty videos and read my blog see me. Yeah, things are filtered a lot on these type of things, but I still want my personality and my voice to shine through. I've been feeling vulnerable lately anyways, so I thought I'd discuss this topic too. So, in no particular order....
- I sometimes have doubts about my relationship with Jon, and it scares me. Maybe I psyche myself out. I just don't want others to look at us and think we shouldn't be together.
- There was a point after Jon recovered from his illness that I seriously considered breaking up with him. I was wrong in assuming things would just "go back to normal" after such a traumatic event, and it took a lot of work from the two of us to get through it.
- Like most people, sometimes I look in the mirror and hate what I see, even though I get people telling me how beautiful I am often enough and I know that I look perfectly fine. I try to put on this front and pretend that I don't care what I look like, but I do.
- That being said, I hate the whole "thinspiration" thing and I hate how I sometimes let it influence me. I think it's negative, degrading and gives women the impression that their bodies are not okay when they are. I don't want to go to the gym or change myself just because I don't like what I see. I just want to be okay with what I have...and thinspiration makes it hard. I'm not saying fitness and health and losing weight is a bad thing. I'm just saying I'm healthy and my body is fine (at least I personally think so) but the whole thinspiration thing makes me unnecessarily self-conscious.
- I'm genuinely afraid to have kids. I know one day I'll want them, but I'm afraid of all the possibilities it comes with. I'm afraid that I'll get pregnant before I'm ready. I'm afraid that I won't be able to get pregnant when I am. I'm afraid I'll miscarry a baby then go mentally insane. I'm afraid of being a parent. I'm afraid my child won't be a good person. Everything about having a kid scares me.
- I'm also genuinely afraid of growing up. I'm going to graduate from college soon and I still don't have a credit card. I don't know a thing about taxes and I wasn't even aware that a car's registration could expire until recently. I'm afraid of the responsibility and I feel stupid when I don't know what I'm doing. I've always been big on not growing up too fast. I just didn't realize that it would turn into not wanting to grow up at all.
- I am embarrassed by my own emotions. Most people only see me happy/excited. I know it's stupid, but my other emotions make me feel weak. This is why a lot of times I don't open up to people.
- My mom is very catholic, and I often pretend to be more religious for her. I know religion is a touchy subject, so that's as far as I'll go with this.
- I'm pretty sure depression runs in my family, but no one ever really talks about it. Which, I guess I understand, because I don't want to talk about it either. When I was younger I had issues with depression and self-harm but I pulled myself out of it out of embarrassment. I still have run-ins with it from time to time and just have to tell myself I'm better than that. I'm pretty sure about 99.9% of the people in my life have no idea.
- I have difficulty talking about "bad" things. Even when someone tries to talk about it with me or gently pushes me to open up, I do the opposite. I'm just not good at talking about these things. So if you're someone who tries to get me to open up about one of these subjects and I don't, sorry in advance.
Keep each other safe, keep faith
Mo
Mo